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Feb. 11th, 2005 09:44 amganked from several peeps...
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). We don't care if
you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would
kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes and we have the scars to
prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your
ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor..
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick
your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and
you will go home in a pine box...minus your ass.
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). We don't care if
you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would
kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes and we have the scars to
prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your
ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor..
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick
your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and
you will go home in a pine box...minus your ass.
